I got the closest to killing myself a few weeks ago. I don’t know what else to say.
W doesn’t like me. Everybody uses in some form or fashion. I think that may be okay. Just sucks in the moment.
I threw away the razor I was using to cut myself and won’t be using another for that purpose.
So I’ve had a few ‘fuck my life’ moments. Then I met someone last night (he will be named W), that made me feel alive for the first time in awhile (yes, M.M. is gone once again).
I decided to hang out with my friend T last night. He already had friends over at his apartment watching movies/tv. I ended up talking to this one guy (W)—curly brown hair, thin, tall. We quietly flirted with one another until we finally took our soft / light conversation outside where we got into deeper things than the type of rum or whiskey we like. I told him I really wanted to die two nights before, he told me his father killed himself. People have hurt us both in relationships. It was cold outside; I was in socks, jeans, and a tank-top. He lent me his jacket and I stood on his feet and cuddled close to him to keep warm, he held me to him. He was worried my friend T liked me, I told him he didn’t. We ended up falling asleep together on the couch, making out but not going further. He’s not ready for a relationship and neither am I. Who knows if he’s going to call. But this morning we lied awake until the last second he had to leave for class. He stood up, standing over me and the couch until I stood up too, and we kissed. He lingered, leaving his forehead against mine. I really like this guy. It scares me a little bit. I thought about a future with him. I already dreamed about him in some Supernatural adventure as we were asleep next to one another. Fuck.
So, he wasn’t dating someone, M.M. I mean.
Me: I’ll be passing through in an hour. could probably stay no longer than 15min. Lemme knwo if you want that
MM: Stay no longer than 15min? so, just one of those awkward hey, how you doings?
Me: Or not awk
Me: Point is…u wanna c me or not?
MM: I mean.. yes.. i just dont want 15 minutes of just standing around.. my back is fucked up.. i had to be taken to the hospital
Me: 30min. u can try to hide under covers
MM: Oh yeah? i can try to?
Me: Yup, try..im gonna stop txting b4 i hav an accident
(Normally I don’t text and drive)
We ended up hanging out for an hour due to a make-out session and interruption by his friend knocking on his door.
MM: I can smell you on me still
Me: I can still feel you on my lips :)
MM: X)
I’m in an idiot, but I can’t help it.
I am 5’3.75” and 22 years old. I have wide hips, wide ribs, and an above average sized ass (basically I am medium framed.)
Because of my ex boyfriend I got up to 168lbs in May 2011 (I had gained 25lbs in our 15 month relationship).
By September 2011 I got down to 148lbs.
By October 2011 I got down to 138lbs.
By February 2012 I got down to 130lbs.
As of right now, March 2012, I am 125.5lbs.
I haven’t weighed this much (or this little) since a decade or more ago.
I’m proud…just wanted to put it out there.
I tried masturbating last night for the first time in a long time. I still find myself disgusting. I still hate my vagina. I still don’t feel anything. And I still can barely get myself wet, it seems I’m dripping up until the point my fingers touch myself. I really did try. I played some music so that my roommate wouldn’t hear me if she was home. I told myself to get past the feeling of disgust, to just let myself feel. I told myself I could do this, that I deserve this. And it helped a little bit, but not enough.
When I gave up I took a milk bath and cut myself. To feel less, to feel more, to feel nothing, just to do something.
This is pathetic.
Do you ever lie on the floor of your room completely naked? I feel like I had lain there for years, feeling the ribs inside me, the jutting of my hips, my breasts, and the wetness waiting inside me.
He started “dating or something” and I’m done with him. Fucking a decade spent pinning over thick love and I’m done. Fuck. The most beautiful boy I’ve ever met and he’s not worth it. Every word said is bullshit. “you’re too good for me” “I don’t deserve you” blah blah fuck you.
